Do As I Do/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW I know they call it a pasta maker but at the spaghetti setting it makes a dandy paper shredder. This is handy for stuff you don't want other people to read. Like say that speeding ticket your wife was unaware of. The possum van still got it. But wait, there's more. Take an ordinary pair of plain, boring pants. Adjust the rollers from spaghetti to rigatoni, that way the blades don't cut all the way through so you can turn these babies into stylish corduroy pants. But wait, there's more. Every woman loves curly hair except for women who have curly hair. So here's what you do, dial from rigatoni to fusilli and crank yourself out a curly hairdo. For women who like to get kinky. But here's the best part, if you get ambitious or just hungry, you can actually use the machine to make lasagna. [ machine cranking ] waiter, there's a fly in my lasagna. [ cheers and applause ] thank you very much. Thank you. No, no, no. No, no, thank you. All right. I appreciate it. I appreciate it. Boy, I really do. This is a huge day up here at the lodge. This show that you're watching, at least until you can find the remote -- this show is our 300th episode. How about that? [ cheering ] you told them the big news, huh? What? You told them the big news? Yup, I just did. I'm a little bit nervous, actually. I can't believe I'm nervous. You shouldn't be, harold. I mean you've done this 299 times before. No, no, I'm referring to the fact that this is my wedding day. I haven't done that before at all. No, no, not any part of it, actually. You know what, your wedding will be fine, harold. I was just saying this is our 300th episode. Yeah, yeah, that's cool, 300, yeah. You know, in 10-pin bowling, 300 is a perfect game. You know, if this was a bowling show -- if this was a bowling show -- if this was a bowling show, you'd be like the head pin. Well that would make you the pin head, I'm thinking. You know, that's not a very nice way to talk to the groom. Oh well. You know -- I thought, especially since I was going to ask you to be my best man. Oh geez, harold. What does the best man do? Does he pay for anything? No, no, no. All you have to do is show up. Well that sounds like a fit. Where is the wedding, anyway? It's at bonnie's church? The church of the wholly unnecessary. It's in the basement of the welding shop. Well, you know, suddenly I have a good feeling about this wedding, harold. You know, you get married in a welding shop you two will be together forever. [ cheers and applause ] it's time for the possum lodge word game! [ cheers and applause ] yeah! Okay, today's prize is this coupon for a large canister or pure oxygen from possum lake's only oxygen bar, to air is human. Oxygen, your grandparents talked about it, now experience it firsthand. Okay, cover your orifices, dalton. Okay, mr. Green, you've got 30 seconds to get dalton humphries to say this word: All right, mike. And go! Okay, dalton, what do you call it when it's over? Marriage. No, no, no. I'm talking about you're at a symphony concert. What do you call the ending? Time to wake up. Okay, every year at the end of the possum lake fireworks display, there's a huge... Insurance claim. Okay, okay, dalton. Think big and finish. Eric the red? No, okay, no, no. This is not a person. Okay, dalton, do you know what a climax is? I used to. We're almost out of time, mr. Green. Okay, okay, dalton. When people see the last episode of this show, what will they say? Oh, finally! Close enough. [ bell ringing ] you know, the creation of the perpetual motion machine has been the most baffling mystery the world's great scientists have ever faced. But then they don't have to fill out their own taxes. You look at the famous authors in these physics books: Galileo, isaac newton, dionne warwick... Oh no, sorry, that's a psychics book. And why has their never been a perpetual motion machine? Because the great scientists said it couldn't be done. But then they also said a school bus can't be made amphibious and flight-worthy. Okay, that was a lucky guess. But this time, I'm going to prove them wrong. See, I'm not prejudiced by previous, so called, knowledge. I don't have a college degree. I don't even have a high school diploma. Heck, if you only add up the times I was listening, I may not have any education at all. But I got a good imagination and I know how things work and I have a wife who doesn't mind if I'm out in the backyard all day. So all you need is stuff you probably have lying around. A gas lawn mower, a downspout, a car alternator, 45-gallon drum, ceiling fan, chunk of garden hose and some corn stalks. Now you're probably saying, geez red, you're using everything but the kitchen sink. Well you're wrong. Okay, I've always thought I was smart but this is a whole different thing. I'll try to go slow enough for you to follow it. I'm pretty excited here. I replace the blade of the lawn mower with a pulley and I've strung this drivebelt over to the pulley on the alternator. So when the lawn mower starts up, the alternator will generate enough electricity to run both the ceiling fan and the garbage disposal. Now the ceiling fan is mounted like this so when the corn gets as high as an elephant's eye, the fan'll poke it's eye out by lopping off an ear. Which will make it fly through the air and land in the kitchen sink. That'll kick on the garbage disposal which mulches the corn and drops it into our oil drum where it decomposes and ferments into ethanol. Which is better than gasoline because it makes your exhaust smell like popcorn. Now, obviously, the ethanol gets siphoned down through our garden hose back into the fuel tank of the lawn mower and completes the circle of life. Now I now most of you are in total awe but there's some skeptic out there wondering, hey, what about the downspout, mr. Brainiac? Well don't forget, this is a perpetual motion machine which means, well I believe the word perpetual means a long, long time. You married folks know what I'm talking about. The downspout recycles some of the corn seeds back into the ground. And those of you who've watched this show for a while already know this... The corn just keeps on coming. So, there you have it, the perpetual motion machine, the ultimate project. I smell a nobel which is way different than smelling a no onions. The corn just keeps on coming. But I can retire happy now. So remember, if the women don't find you stunningly handsome... They should at least find you geographically handy. [ engine failing to start ] [ applause ] you know, my wife says I'm a person who has a hard time saying goodbye. But that depends... I know people, as soon as they walk up to me, I'm itching to say goodbye. And I don't mean au revoir, I mean adios. But the truth is, when people are friends, they never really say goodbye, they stay in each other's minds and every time they think about them, they're together again. I used to think that every good memory knocked a hair out of your head. So when you see an old bald guy, you know he's had a pretty good life. I guess the main point I'm trying to make here is that the pattern of life is such that nothing lasts forever. You're not supposed to get pregnant when you're 72 and nobody over 40 should ever take their shirt off. So as we go through life, it's important that we move from one phase to the next and we have to say goodbye to the one so that we can say hello to the next. You know, if I say any more, I'll probably burst into that song from titanic. Anyway, let's just leave it that it's been a great ride and that every time we hear the sweet sound of a script being torn off a roll of duct tape, we'll think of each other. We might even smile. Remember, I'm pulling for you. We're all in this together. [ applause ] I've been doing a little research on this 300th episode-thing. That makes 15 seasons for us so I've been comparing that to other shows, I think we should get a special emmy or something. I mean, the other shows, they ran almost as long but they were good. I mean, we're useless and we're still here. We're like senators. Uncle red? Yeah? Everything's gone wrong. My life is ended! Wow, look at the time, I've got to go. Oh, no! No, you get back here and you help me deal with this. Are you talking to me like that? Yes, I am! I got a little bit of a problem. Yes, you do, harold. The church burned down. The welding shop was doing a muffler job and a huge fire started. That was brazen. Even if I got that, that wouldn't be funny. We don't have a place to get married. Well get married here at the lodge. This has got to be as nice as the basement of a welding shop. I suppose if we clean it up a little. Harold, all you need to have a wedding is a minister, a man and a woman. In fact, you don't even need the woman any more. That's another thing, too. The minister begged off. With the fire at the church, he took the insurance money and moved to tahiti. Wow. Imagine, imagine that, a man of the cloth. Well now he's a man of the loin cloth. So who's going to marry you? Well you know, I did a little research and with you as a lodge leader, you have the power to marry people. You can marry bonnie and I. I got to go from best man to preacher? That doesn't feel like a promotion to me, harold. Why would I want to do that? Well, it's a dream assignment for you uncle red. You don't have to do anything and you get to be in charge. Oh, so it's the exact opposite of the groom's job. Ye -- [ applause ] bill had asked me to join him behind the lodge. He said he had something for me and you know, it was the rolling stones who said, you don't always get what you want or something like that. I wasn't expecting him to also run over my foot. I didn't quite know what was in store for me. A whole bunch of junk and he started off with a stick. Yeah, yeah, nice to see you. What's that, why would I want the stick? And he's saying, well this is back when we did an adventure way back and we were looking for fishing rod -- make our own fishing rod out of a twig and he had picked one up and didn't see that other tree and I remembered how funny that had been, you know and I thought, okay. A bread knife, I didn't recognized that either. Oh yeah, we were looking for food in the woods and he were using a butt of the handle to crack a walnut and wanted me to hold the walnuts. It ended up almost like a safety film for others. Again, I certainly saw the humour in that. That was a funny moment. Thank you, bill, I do recall that. We're sharing fond memories, obviously today. And he's got this rig for climbing poles or climbing trees or whatever with a harness and the little spikes that go in your feet. And he had climbed a tree back in -- I think the idea is he was going to top the tree, go up there with an axe or a saw or whatever. Boy, look how young bill looks. And he got up to the top of the tree and you know, he was getting a little bit tired there. And what he didn't notice was that the tree had already been topped earlier but that didn't matter because bill had always been a fan of cartoons. Away you go, bill. Away you go. Well, again, another high spot. Very funny, very, very, very funny. And then this one... Oh no, I remember this one, it was a sumo wrestling -- remember the sumo wrestling thing you did bill? Yeah, yeah. That was a... Boy. I tell you, that was a tough ride home on the subway. You know... I remember this one. Remember the skeet thrower, bill? It was in the winter and we were getting -- you were showing me how the skeet thrower worked. You handed me the skeet and you told me to -- I understood it was to go over there and pull the string as fast as you can. I didn't know you meant in a few minutes. That was unfortunate. Bill doesn't ve a family. But by golly, these memories are flooding back. Gosh that was enjoyable. And now, I'm into it now. So I'm looking for other stuff -- I remember, oh yeah, the metal detector. Remember the metal detector, bill? You were searching for metal in the ground and then you swept it up by mistake and caught it on the van and the noise was just -- remember how loud that was? Did that aff -- I'm saying, did that affect your hearing!? No, apparently not. Okay and what else have we got here. Oh yeah, the lacrosse. Remember we did that -- we had kind of a lacrosse-baseball mix where bill had the lacrosse suit on, he pitched the lacrosse balls to me and I hit them with a baseball bat and as far as I remember, nobody got hurt. Oh no... Now there's something we can both laugh at. [ red laughing ] oh boy, life is good. So bill says, okay it's all coming back. He's done with it. He doesn't need any of this stuff any more. How come and he starts to cry. What's going on? He's leaving the lodge? What's going on? Bill, what's going on? And a car pulls up and a beautiful girl gets out and I realize that bill's not crying, he's laughing. Bill has made a better deal. He's fine. He's heading off. This is a nurse! This is perfect, it's a match made in heaven. Bill's going to spend the rest of his life with a nurse. And as one parting shot, he realizes he's still got one of the lacrosse balls in his pocket. I'll take that over here. Thank you, bill. And bill jumps into the car and says goodbye to everybody and heads off on the biggest adventure of his life. [ cheers and applause ] okay, we're all set for the nuptials. Not as big a turnout as we'd planned but -- you know, as soon as the wedding became part of the show, most of the guests decided to stay home and watch it on t.V. So we'll finally get some decent ratings. Oh boy. You okay, harold, huh? I think so. I think so. I'm okay. [ applause ] I'm nervous and I'm good. You know, I'm not as bad as I thought I'd be because I thought I was going to be pretty bad but I'm okay actually, I'm good. I'm good. I'm okay. Good, okay, okay. Before we have an embarrassing puddle on the floor, let's bring the bride in here. [ applause ] [ humming the wedding March ] all right, all right, okay. All right, we're gathered here together to celebrate a big occasion in all of our lives. Very rarely does a television show stay on the air for 300 episodes. No, uncle red, uncle red! Okay, okay. We're gathered here to join this woman and this, I don't know, this man, I guess in holy matrimony. And holy mackerel. Okay, who has the ring? Oh, I do. That's not the ring. That's my ring. Oh, oh sorry. Is it any of these ones? No, it's not -- that's our ring! Winston's wearing our ring. Where'd you get that? Someone sold it to me. Okay, well never mind. Harold, you put that ring on bonnie's finger and then I want you to recite all those vows that you two made and harold, try to keep it moving. Okay. I'd like to thank everyone who helped shape my life. I know you meant well. The good news is, it brought me to this point where I have found a life partner and I look forward to spending the rest of my life with her. Ditto! Okay, okay, okay, okay. Wait a second. If there's any one who knows any reason why these two should not get married, he should speak up now. [ possum squealing ] it's meeting time. No, no, no, no. Harold, that can wait. All right, so, do the two of you take each other, we do! We do! We're here, we do. Okay, well then, I now pronounce you man and wife. Harold, you may... Kiss the bride. [ cheers and applause ] okay, so, if my wife is watching, I'll be coming straight home after the meeting and after doing all of these television shows, I think I'm ready to go back to live performances. And to the rest of you -- meeting time, uncle red! You shouldn't be here, harold. Bonnie thought it was the right thing to do. I told her, even though we're married, I'm still going to want to come back to the lodge every now and then. Well, well, well, you've turned into a man. I hope that's a compliment. Oh, I almost forgot. Here's your wedding gift. Wow, that's a big roll of duct tape. It is, harold. I figured you're going to be married a long time. And to the rest of you who've been watching us all these years, on behalf of myself and the married man and the whole gang up here at possum lodge, keep your stick on the ice. [ cheers and applause ] sit down. Sit down. C'mon everybody. Hurry up, guys, sit down. All rise. Quando omni flunkus moritati. Sit down. Bow your heads for the revised man's prayer. I'm a man but I changed because I had to oh well. [ applause ] the years that followed saw a lot of changes to the lodge members. Mike hammer became the police chief of possum lake. With mike having a legitimate job, the crime rate dropped to zero. Winston got a job investigating government corruption. He knew the territory. Dalton and anne-marie took a second chance at happiness by renewing their vows. Ed frid became the leader of the local animal rights group. Hap shaughnessy told us he'd been appointed ambassador to guam. We hoped it was true. Edgar k.B. Montrose attempted to make his own heated recliner using plastic explosives. Hasn't been heard from since. Harold and bonnie were slowly taking over the community. In fact, everybody changed except me. [ cheers and applause ]